The Cure for All Woes: A Dose of Forum Humor! | Forum

A female reporter visits a wise man and asks:
- Is a woman meant for a man for one night, or for a lifetime?

The wise man replies:

- If they don't tell afternoon from night, then for a lifetime.

Female Reporter:
"What is mood?"

Wise Man:
"Mood has three levels: good, average, and bad. They are like the day’s changing weather: sometimes sunny, sometimes cloudy, sometimes rainy."

There is also a fourth level, when it hails, which relates to complexes.

However, in a healthy person, mood changes in harmony with the four seasons of the year, meaning rarely-rarely.

Female Reporter:
"Then what is snow?"

Wise Man:
"Snow is the wedding."

Female Reporter:
"So, which season are you in right now?"

Wise Man:
"I'm in season five."

Female Reporter:
"What do you think about people who always try to take on a dominant role with their ideas?"

Wise Man:
"Such people think that God lives not in the 'above' universe, the Heaven, but in people's minds." 

I’d advise those people to raise a baby gorilla at their home.

A female reporter approaches a wise man and asks:
- What is a lie?

The wise man smiles and says:
- Imagine an archer in a competition. If his aim is off by just one millimeter, his arrow won’t hit the 10 but the 8, and he won’t be declared the winner. That single millimeter decides everything; that’s what a lie is.

He pauses for a moment, then adds:
- It’s the same in life. When a man has the wrong kind of relationship with a woman, no child is born. A lie may seem like a tiny deviation, but sometimes that "one millimeter" changes an entire life.

Female Reporter:
- What does the Armenian saying "Sleeping in a donkey’s ear" mean?

Wise Man:
- It means being completely unaware of what’s going on. In this expression, the donkey’s ear actually represents the person’s own ear, symbolizing unawareness. For example, when a man wakes up late in the morning and finds out that everyone in the family, except the child, has already had their coffee, while he didn’t know about it. Then he has to make coffee for himself and drink it alone.

Female Reporter:
Why are there so many divorces?

Wise Man:
Because most women behave like clowns, not queens, and kings often don't tolerate that.

Female Reporter:
- What do you think is the difference between a doctor and a wise man?

Wise Man:
- For example, a doctor says, "Brush your teeth after every meal." But a wise man says, "Brush your teeth about 30 minutes after each meal, so that the taste of the food that remains in your mouth for that half hour can also leave its beneficial and healing effect. And brush your teeth with a double wash and with cold water."

A crocodile meets a squirrel in the forest and asks it:
"Can you climb to the top of the tree and tell me where the river is?"

The squirrel climbs up, looks from the top, and says:
"The river looks very far from here. You’ll need to walk three days to reach it. But how did you end up here?"

The crocodile answers:
"I secretly climbed into the helicopter to eat a human. When the helicopter took off into the air, when I started my business, they threw me out of the helicopter."

One day, the apple said to the pear: "You don't matter much; one of the famous phones is named after me, but nothing is named after you."

And the pear responded: "I’ve heard that women love pears the most. If they take a bite of you, they end up eating me completely."

The female reporter visits the wise man and asks him:
- What is a friend?

The wise man smiles and answers:
- A friend is like a rat, but a good kind of rat, always an uninvited guest in your house, from the rodent family (like digging a metro), and you trust him with your secrets.

A wealthy and very meticulous man finally decides to buy sportswear. But since he is not only thorough but also spitefully picky, he decides that before wearing the sportswear on himself, he must first test its real durability. In his opinion, sportswear must be just as strong as the sport itself.

With this thought, he buys ten sets of sportswear he likes from ten famous brands and orders his construction workers to wear those sportswear sets during work, so he can see which one is of high quality and non-fading.

Female Reporter:
- Why did Satan in the desert say to Jesus: If you are the Son of God, then tell this stone to become bread?

Wise Man:
-  It is built on contradictions. First, the fact that Jesus ate nothing, drank nothing for forty days, and remained alive in the desert is already a miracle. Second, it’s amusing that if a real Satan exists, then he can speak like a human; it’s like wood can speak. And third, Satan was testing whether Jesus was Moses II, whose rod turned into a serpent. In short, this story is a complex and convoluted mess, and it is neither a parable nor a straightforward narrative.

One day, the violin says to the piano: 
"Amazing piano, why are your notes white and black? What does that mean?" 

The piano replies: 
"O, noble violin, it means from everlasting to everlasting."

Female Reporter:
- Why don't you get involved in politics?

Wise Man:
- Politics is unjust, and it opposes Christ. No one involved in politics is anointed by God, like a bear in the forest that seems to have been chosen by foxes as a servant of the forest.

Female Reporter:
- Why did Jesus say, "For all who take the sword will perish by the sword"?

Wise Man:
- An Italian "thief cat" ruler added that phrase in the New Testament through (or in the person of its) Emperor Constantine to avoid civil wars, when, allegedly, Peter cut off the ear of a policeman (the policeman at that time), as if a bartender were opening a bottle of champagne. There was no world war or battle at that time, but the stronger side attacked the weaker one.

Female Reporter:
- It is known that when there is no oxygen, fire goes out. Then how does the Sun shine without oxygen?

Wise Man:
- Here, scientists are slipping on a plastic tablecloth, like a one-year-old child, because oxygen is God’s exhalation, so that humans may resemble God. And the Sun shines by God’s command. Scientists have a mystical character; they try to call the grandfather the son, or they try to fix the recipe for an already-made cake.

Female Reporter:
- Where do you think the character Mufasa from the cartoon "The Lion King" originated, or who does he represent? 

Wise Man:
- I believe Mufasa is the Great Mher (Mher the Lion) from the Armenian Epic, The Daredevils of Sassoun. There's also a character in the Armenian Epic named Vergo the Diarrhea, who corresponds to the warthog in "The Lion King," Pumbaa.

Three Blitz Jokes

1. A roof repairman is working on the top of a 25-story building. His foot slips, and he falls off the roof.
While falling, he thinks to himself, “Maybe I should spread my arms, try my luck, and glide like a bird.”
He spreads his arms and finds himself at the gates of paradise.
He sighs and says, "So, my luck didn’t work."

2. A boy in love descends from the roof of a high-rise building using a rope ladder and stops in front of the window of his girlfriend's apartment.
He taps on the glass. She opens the window and says,
"Do you think you’re above me?"
The boy smiles and answers,
"That height name is love, my little bird."

3. A chimpanzee storms into a ladies’ hair salon, smacking its hands on its head and shouting,
"Seriously, how long am I supposed to wait? Why aren’t my hairs growing?"

Female Reporter:
What is nature?

Wise Man:
Nature has two main parts: the Earth, which includes oxygen, air, and water, and the Sun. Your stomach also belongs to nature; when it is empty, it makes a sound. In digital computer language, nature is the monitor, not the microprocessors, and the microprocessors are the Light of the Holy Book.

Female Reporter:
Is it possible to exceed the speed of light?

Wise Man:
Yes, it is possible. When you are happy, calm, joyful, and sitting still in a chair, have many kind thoughts, and breathe calmly, you exceed the speed of light. There is light, warmth in your body, too.