The Cure for All Woes: A Dose of Forum Humor! | Forum

A horse walks into the dentist’s office.
The dentist asks, “Which tooth is hurting?”
The horse responds:
“Doc, I’m not sure which tooth… but could you wipe my nose instead?”

A young man is getting ready to go to war. Before he leaves, he visits the dentist to have a painful tooth removed. The dentist asks, "Would you like an injection to numb the pain?" The young man replies, "No, doctor. Pull it out without anesthesia. Let this be my first test—before I face bullets."

Situation:
A clever journalist and her cameraman are interviewing people on the street to gauge their mood and reactions.

Question she asks:
"If a pitcher and a water jug get smashed on someone’s head, don’t celebrate too soon. Just know… your turn is probably next."

(Inspired by an old Armenian saying: “To break the pitcher and jug on someone’s head,” meaning to place all blame or punishment on one person.)

A young man asks his new lady friend, “Which color lifts your mood the most?” She smiles and says, “Milk chocolate brown.” He grins and replies, “Then I’ll get myself some milk-chocolate-colored men's underwear, just for you.” After a short pause, he adds with a playful wink, “And I like dark blue… so maybe you should wear nothing but the cloudy sky.” 

On a plane, a passenger turns to the person next to him and asks:
— “Do you like dark humor?”
The other replies:
— “No, I only like traffic-light humor: red, yellow, and green.”

So my wife walks into the kitchen… and there I am, lying under the fridge like a crime scene. She panics: “What on earth happened?!” I say: “The fridge door wouldn’t open… so I pulled it hard… and well, the whole fridge decided to join me on the floor. And the apricot compote you made… it made me swim!” She looks at me, dead serious: “But… the fridge door is open.” And I’m like: “Yeah… it opened when we fell!”

One day, a tennis player hits the ball so hard that she breaks her wrist, and then the doctor says she can only play table tennis.

So, I’m visiting my girlfriend’s apartment for the first time. She lives on the eighth floor, and that’s a lot of stairs.

On my way up, I try to impress her and say:
‘Wow, the nickel banister at the top of your stairs… It’s so shiny! So clean!’’

Without missing a beat, she responds:
‘Well, of course they’re clean… I slide down them lying flat every day.’

At that moment, I thought… either I’m dating the most innocent girl in the world… or I just started dating Spider-Woman. Surprisingly, Colette adds:
‘Or the third option… Escobar.’

Love this! Humor really is the best stress-buster. I’ve noticed that whether it’s silly dad jokes, clever wordplay, or even lighthearted flirty jokes to make him laugh, the right kind of humor can instantly lift the mood. Thanks for starting this thread—definitely needed today!

A thief took his cat and his cat's feces with him during a bank robbery. When a signal sounded in the bank, the police surrounded the place and found both the cat and its feces inside. The thief appeared dressed as a cleaning lady and cleaned up the feces, then left the bank with gold and diamonds tied to his back. He also took his cat along, claiming in a woman's voice that the cat was from their bank's yard.

One day, the donkey says to the horse, "What makes you better than me, that you neigh?" The horse replies, "I don't know the answer to that. Let's go to the lion king; he will tell us." They go to the lion, and the donkey again shares his complaint with the horse. The lion responds, "There is no need to think long; the donkey is a laborer, and the horse is a soldier." The bear is there and asks the lion, "Who am I?" The lion replies, "You are a fisher."

In an Eastern country, the organizers of a greasy food-eating contest decide to add sheep's tail fat grilled in foil to the menu to make the contest more difficult.

It was a young man’s birthday, and his friends decided to play a prank on him.
Every guest who came to his party brought a gift box.
Excited, he opened the first one… inside were colored pencils.
Second box—again, colored pencils.
Third box—yep, more pencils.

By the fifth box, he was already frowning:
“Seriously? Is this my fate—an art supply store?”

Finally, his girlfriend arrived, carrying a long, beautifully wrapped box.
The young man’s eyes lit up.
“At last,” he thought, “a proper gift!”

He tore open the box… and inside was one giant, bright red pencil.
He almost cried.

And just then, all his friends shouted:
“Surpri-i-i-se!”

Turns out every single “pencil” was made of chocolate, and his girlfriend’s giant red “pencil” was actually a big chocolate cake, because they all knew how much he loved sweets.

One day in the ocean, a shark, a dolphin, and a sea turtle gathered for dinner. They wondered what to eat, then they said to each other: “We eat every day from morning to night, so let’s just have a conversation this time.”

A boy wants to start a conversation with a girl and says: Boy: “Can you tell me the difference between a rock and a mountain?” Girl: “No, I don’t know. Please explain.” Boy: “A mountain is slanted and impossible to touch, as a start, but a rock is upright, just like you standing here, and it can be touched.”

A talk show host and journalist named "The Lion of Egypt" asks a passerby on the street, handing him the microphone, "Do you consider amazement to be a hieroglyph, like love?" For example, if a person is jealous of your big toe, don't be amazed if he is also envious of your ear.

A lion walks into a barber shop to get his mane washed and a blowout.

The barber asks:
"Would you like me to trim your mane a little first, before I wash it and give you a blowout?"

The lion looks at him and replies:

"Have you ever seen a king cut off his own crown?"

A monkey wakes up early in the morning and paints half of the bananas on the tree black. The other monkeys wake up and start eating the yellow bananas on the tree, while the clever monkey eats the black bananas. 

Three Blitz Jokes

1. A girl’s violin gets stolen on the bus. She switches her musical “direction” from violin to piano, thinking: “Now let’s see how you’ll steal this one!”

2. A girl keeps listening to the same song on repeat. A guy asks:
“Why always the same track?”
She replies: “I can’t get enough of it.”
He grins: “Then maybe I should take you to a restaurant.”

3. A guy goes for a massage. The masseuse girl turns out to be very beautiful. The guy says:
“Would you mind… if I gave you the massage instead?”