The Cure for All Woes: A Dose of Forum Humor! | Forum

Is this good humor?

Little boy: "Dad, why isn't there a heart symbol on the keyboard?"
 
Father: "Because love is as vast as Mount Ararat; it can’t fit on a keyboard!"

Is this good humor?

"Sir, are you married?  

Madam, what business is that of yours? Isn't your silence part of the fee?  

No, you have to pay double for silence!  

Sir, why are you using such disrespectful blasphemies?  

Madam, that's a new trait in me; I didn't have anything like that when I was younger.  

Yes, sir, I didn't speak much when I was younger. So we're even!"

Is this good humor?

A woman walks into a shoemaker’s shop and asks, "Are you henpecked?"

The shoemaker frowns and replies, "No, ma’am, I mend soles, but I don’t let anyone step on mine!"

Is this good humor?

Young man: "Will you let my UFO invade your universe?"  
Woman: "UFO? What’s that?"  
Young man: "Unstoppable Feelings Overdrive, which is my love!"  
Woman: "And what exactly is my universe?"  
Young man: "Your heart, of course. If I land there, I promise to build skyscrapers of love!"

Is this good humor?

At a party, a guy asks the girls,

"When you drive a right-hand drive car, do you ever feel as if someone else is driving?"

One of the girls smirks and replies, "Especially when I’m in the passenger seat!"

Is this good humor?

One day, Saturn and Jupiter meet.
Jupiter asks, "Hey Saturn, what’s that ring around you?"
Saturn replies, "Oh, that’s my cap."
Jupiter raises an eyebrow, "Your cap? Why, are you bald?"
Saturn sighs, "Well, look closely. Can’t you see I’m bald?"

Is this good humor?

At a lively party, a woman suddenly bursts into uncontrollable laughter.

Curious eyes turn her way.

"What’s so funny?" someone asks.

To cover up her incoherent laughter, still giggling, she says,
"I just remembered Darwin’s theory… that humans evolved from apes."

A man nearby grins and chimes in,
"Well, ma’am, just look around… see how far we've come!"

The woman smirks, eyes him up and down, and says,
"But you haven’t changed that much."

The room erupts in laughter.

Is this good humor?

A man tells his wife, "If you answer my four riddles, I will fulfill one according to your wish." The woman agrees, and the man begins:

Man - What is like a rainbow, but is equal to all others?

Woman - Love

Man - What is it when two people talk, and the third is silent?

Woman - Pregnancy - the unborn child

Man - What is like jelly, but is the sweetest of all cakes?

Woman - Lips and a kiss

Man - What is it when one person screams and the other laughs?

Woman - BDSM

Is this good humor?

A Pharisee says to Christ, "You know that you are not a Jew, but an Indian." Christ replies, "Oh, I did not know that Indians are so smart (how I)," and then adds, "You are no better than Indians."

Is this good humor?

One day, a flock of sheep fell into a panic—news had spread that Sunday (the shepherd dog's name) had fallen ill.

"Who will guard us now?" they cried.

Each sheep, when asked to step up, quickly refused, muttering. Each sheep refuses to guard the flock, answering, "Why me?"

Amid the chaos, a male ram (with impressive round horns)—known as Tuesday (this male ram's name), the wisest among them—raised his voice and calmed the flock.

"Don't worry," he said confidently. "John, our shepherd, will think of something."

The sheep settled down.

Is this good humor?

A guy stands next to a girl, trying to start a conversation.

– Did you know that a chameleon eats only about 3 kilograms of insects in its whole life, a lion eats 15 tons of meat, and a human eats more than 55 tons of all kinds of food?

The girl smiles:
– And what does that have to do with us?

The guy replies:

– I just wanted to say that if we go out for coffee, I won’t mind getting you a piece of cake. I’m not a chameleon, I’m not a lion either — I’m just a human, full of love… and good taste.

Is this good humor?

Boy: "Excuse me, do you like to read?"
Girl: "Yes, I love reading!"
Boy: "Great! I have a bunch of books at home... I was about to throw them out for recycling."
Girl: "Oh no, why?"
Boy: "Well, I didn’t think anyone cared. But if you want, I can bring them to your home."
Girl: "I’m just renting here. Our actual home is in the village. Can I just come to your home and read them instead?"

Is this good humor?

One day, the donkey grabbed the fox by the neck, brought it to the lion, and said,

"Lion King, I saw this fox catch a rabbit and eat it.
What is your judgment?"

The lion replied,

"Am I a man to judge? Take the fox to the elephant. Maybe he will judge."

Is this good humor?

One day, a half-rich braggart ran into an angel walking on Earth.

With a proud grin, the braggart said,
"Have you come down from heaven so I can feed you? Come to my home, I'll give you anything you need!"

The angel smiled gently and agreed.

Years passed.

One day, the braggart died.

The angel quietly appeared and whispered,
"Open your eyes."

The braggart blinked in surprise. The angel whispered, "Where are you going? You never told me if you'd truly feed me?"

Confused, the braggart replied,
"I fed you for twenty years."

The angel chuckled,
"Ah, but twenty years to you was just one hour to me. I had hoped you'd feed me for five years."

The braggart’s eyes widened. Slowly, he closed them again, this time, not in death, but in thought.

Is this good humor?

A man approached a woman standing by a bookstore window. With a confident smile and a slight bow, he said, "Beautiful, may I ask you a question?"  

The woman turned slowly, brushed a strand of hair behind her ear, and replied with a soft smile, "Yes, please."  

The man raised a thoughtful eyebrow, clasped his hands behind his back like a poet, and asked, "Is beauty the expensive perfume of love, and inner beauty the diamond?"  

The woman chuckled gently and tilted her head. "I think it’s the opposite," she said, her eyes playfully narrowing.  

The man leaned in slightly, placing a hand on his chest. "I wish I had both of those in you."  

The woman crossed her arms and smiled charmingly. "Wouldn't it be too much for you to have both of those together?"  

With mock seriousness and a half-grin, the man replied, "Believe me, madam, I deserve more than either."  

Intrigued, the woman raised an eyebrow. "And what is more?"  

The man spread his arms wide, as if embracing an invisible future. "Our children."  

The woman stepped back slightly and glanced at him with amused suspicion. "How much money do you have?"  

Without missing a beat, the man straightened his jacket and said proudly, "I’ll have as much as you want. Your expensive perfume will give me strength."  

The woman burst into laughter, shaking her head as she walked away, but not too far.

Is this good humor?

A young man approaches a young woman and says,
"Hi, can I ask you something?"

She smiles and replies,
"Sure, go ahead."

He asks,
"Why do parrots talk?"

She shrugs.
"I don’t know. Why?"

He grins.
"Because only 10% of the human brain works... but a parrot uses all of its tiny brain."

She chuckles.
"So you're saying I’m using 8% right now?"

The producer calls the singer.  
— Why haven’t you been coming to rehearsals?  
The singer replies,  
— I caught the flu; my voice has gotten rough, and I can’t sing.  
The producer laughs and says,  
— I’ve heard that kissing cures the flu. I could come and cure you.  
The singer responds,  
— But what if I infect you?  
The producer says,  

— Well, if you kiss me too, we’ll both get cured easily. Besides, this time my flu will have a price.

Bride: "My dear Vardan, how is it that the Moon manages to orbit the Earth while the Earth is spinning around the Sun? That must mean the Moon is moving faster than the Earth! And why don’t the planets crash into each other?"

Vardan: "My crystal Shushan, it’s called 'the paper bag.' If you’re inside the paper bag, everything stays in place."

A rich man walks out into the street completely naked.  
Someone sees him and asks,  
"Why are you naked?"

The rich man replies,  
"Better to walk out naked than to walk out without money."

The man asks again,  
"So… are you broke?"

The rich man smiles,  
"No, I'm just enjoying life!"

A man plans to surprise his wife with a joke. During a party where his wife isn't present, he asks all the women to kiss different parts of his newly bought light gray men's underwear with a single kiss so that the lipstick will leave a mark on them. He wants to surprise his wife by wearing them at night, before bed.