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Nichole 's blog
- I’m putting this out especially for our friends in places like Finland, Sweden, Switzerland, Germany etc, where I didn’t understand the dating culture, until someone explained to me that was going to have to make the first move… I now wish I could go back and try again with a German man who I now see was desperately signalling his attention, but which I took to be only lukewarm overtures of interest… Here are my two cents worth
- First thing to know is that the culture in rural Mississippi is very different from the culture in, say, Portland, Oregon. The culture in Des Moines is different from that of Los Angeles. The US is a ginormous place made up of 50 states that function like semi-autonomous countries. Each has different attitudes - and laws- regarding everything from gun ownership and the death penalty, to marijuana use, gambling, selling liquor on Sundays-or selling liquor at all…You just have to learn the culture of the area and keep this in mind. It’s really hard to say “American women are like this..” when a woman raised in a very traditional home in the heart of the Bible Belt is going to have very different set of expectations of you than a yoga instructor in Burlington, Vermont might.
- You need to be open about your interest and be direct. Ask her out. It’s expected here. Don’t wait for her to come up to you, don’t wait for her to send the first text, don’t wait for her to suggest the next date. It’s absolutely true that many women have no problem making the first move, and it’s perfectly fine for women to do that, but it’s still not completely the norm. If you don’t make any effort to show your interest, she’ll probably assume you’re not that into her.
- Most American women I know are very nice if they reject you. It’s always very flattering when someone asks us out, but we may be taken, or not in the market for a relationship, or not interested… I always make sure a guy knows that I sincerely appreciated it, that it really boosted my day…and maybe in another time and place it would have been fantastic. I don’t think I’ve ever been blunt and said “I’m not interested.” I’ve always made a more kind excuse, because why make someone feel bad?
- When you do go out, understand that if YOU asked her out, it’s usually expected that YOU’RE picking up the tab. It would feel really weird to me if a guy asked me out and then insisted on separate checks or whipped out a calculator to figure out my half. That would seem very ungracious and leave a poor impression. In the US, it’s not uncommon- but not necessarily the norm anymore- for some men to insist on picking up pretty much every tab. I basically just go along with that if it’s important to him and his sense of self as a man. It’s just not worth bickering over, and it’s a concession I’m happy to make. Otherwise, I’d say it’s equally common for one person to pick up one tab and then the other person will get the next one. I’d say the separate checks thing is NOT common. If I invite a guy out, I expect to pick up the whole tab myself- again, unless he is hurt and horrified by the thought. Usually he says- “okay, my treat next time…” or something. Eventually, when you get comfortable and coupled, it doesn’t matter.
- Expect her to be more open and talkative than you might be used to, especially if you come from the countries I mentioned up top. She will ask you all kinds of questions, and she’ll expect you to do the same. If you don’t ask her about herself, she is going to conclude that you have no interest in getting to know her. She might also touch your arm or hand or something, laugh at your jokes… It’s okay to relax and show your interest similarly. If you’re very reserved and squeezed back onto your side of the table, or respecting the 1 meter of distance rule, that’s a sign that you’re not interested.
- It’s not that common for an American woman to sleep with you on the first date. It just doesn’t happen as a “rule” Part of this is due to a feeling that booty calls and hookups are one thing, and seriously dating someone is another, and mixing the two can be complicated. Some women will, others won’t. There still does exist a somewhat critical, conservative attitude toward doing that however. Even if she may want to, she’ll possibly have a fear that if she did, you’d write her off and drop her immediately. It’s a somewhat archaic way to look at sex, but that’s still the way it is for many here. BUT on the flip side, American women will likely continue to see other people- maybe sleep with them- and will assume you’re doing the same until you become “exclusive”. It blew my mind in Finland to realize that when we started sleeping together and seeing each other regularly, we automatically became a couple. He was surprised that I was unclear on the fact that he was my boyfriend and had been for some time. I actually prefer this approach and wish we’d adopt it in the US, but at the moment, in the US, it’s more common for the desire for monogamy to be declared and agreed upon.
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